The Prospective Queer Solo Parent
By Rebecca Plum, LM, CPM
I have always intended to be a parent. Knowing this, and knowing that I may or may not fall in love with a wonderful woman who could skillfully navigate this journey with me, I began to plan from a very young age; every decision I made about schools, careers, cities, all centered around the question of how each choice would lead me towards my goal of motherhood. Though I have yet to conceive, adopt, or in any way be an actual parent (I’m told that a cat doesn’t count), parenthood, in many ways, has been my life’s work.
When a person is in the ‘thinking’ or ‘trying’ stage of creating their family, they think about it all the time. Their child, though not yet in their arms, exists already in their daily life – in their choices, in their language, and always in their thoughts. So, in a very real way, that parent and that child are a family unit that is just, thus far, not-yet-united.
This is a powerful notion, because it invites the prospective parent to craft an intentional environment, community, and parenting self, all before the child ever sets foot into their world. This is also a revolutionary notion, as it suggests that family can exist in the theoretical, intentional plane before it ever enters the literal, physical one. This experience is the unique province, privilege and gift of those who choose parenthood consciously, with intention and love.
A person who parents on their own takes full responsibility for every choice that will ever be made on their child’s behalf. They claim every step, from choosing the method of finding or creating that child (adoption vs. fostering vs. conception, anonymous vs. known donor, and countless other choices), through every parenting choice, from vaccinations to preschools to when they can pierce their ears (or whatever else is popular to pierce at the time).
There are thousands of questions one may ask when embarking on and preparing for this journey: How will I support my family if I am on my own? What kind of childcare will I need? Who do I know that has been through this, and what can they tell me/teach me/show me about this path? How can I plan for this life to be not just manageable, but sustainable, fulfilling and joyful?
One of the most primary answers is that of community, and of family. All the questions we face when preparing for and moving toward parenthood are made more navigable and less foreign when we draw on the wisdom of another who has walked that path before us. The challenges that can arise along the way invite us to lean on our chosen friends and families for support, transforming what might have been an isolating experience into one that deepens our relationships with those who will be taking this journey alongside us.
The term ‘family’ was originally re-claimed by queer culture some decades ago, when coming out frequently meant alienation from one’s family of origin. This concept of family, as used by the queer community, came to refer very specifically to the larger community of queer folk, as a way of identifying places and people that could offer safety and solidarity. Many of us also came to apply the term to our intimate communities of close friends who, especially when our family of origin had been less than supportive, became our true and chosen families.
As members of the queer community who choose parenthood, we take the reclamation of the term ‘family’ one step further. In defiance of all the social norms that dictate who is best qualified to parent, to commit, to love, we declare that family is what we make it. It is the community we joined when we came out, and the communities we choose as our most intimate and loving support systems, and now it is also the family made up of parent and child/ren, created consciously, with intention and love.
Queer families are not the only non-traditional family structures that have been gaining visibility in our culture. The solo parent (aka ‘Choice Mom’) community is a growing and vibrant one, and it is bringing visibility and support to those that have been, until recently, an isolated and misunderstood group of parents. Often dismissed as irresponsible, or disrespected by those who assume that their pregnancies were
unintentional or ill-considered, solo parents are breaking increasingly visible new ground and setting a new standard for the culture of parenting in our society. As Jennifers Aniston and Lopez portray empowered solo moms on film (though in admittedly unrealistic scenarios), and our country is led by the son of a powerful and celebrated solo mother, our cultural consciousness is experiencing a dramatic shift. Add to this the movements around gay marriage and gay parenting (both of which are also becoming increasingly visible in the media), and we have an even more dramatic transition.
As each new image is added to the collective vision of what parenting can look like, our definition of family continues to evolve. There are support groups for every conceivable permutation of ‘parent’ that we creative Bay Area folk can come up with, new language to describe our chosen arrangements, and parenting blogs and listserves spring up every day, offering reflection and support to others in the community.
So, while we each choose our own unique course into parenthood, this does not mean that we must actually be alone on this path. Our chosen people, the communities of friends and family that uplift and love us every day, will be our children’s families too. One of the wisest and most empowering things we can do, therefore, is to create strong, compassionate, like-minded communities that we will be well supported by and connected to by the time we are in the throes of new parenthood. Attend a support group. Check out an online forum. Post on Craigslist or the Berkeley Parents Network and meet other prospective solo parents for lunch. Make friends with others that can relate to and share our experiences, so that when we are deeply in it, we will be able to skip the explanations and get right to the real stories of our lives. As one queer solo prospective parent advises, “Get your support team in place… you will need to have friends capable of holding you without attachments, friends who can be a sounding board, or mirror to your inner process, someone to remind you to ground, be present and not get lost in the cyclical nature of trying to conceive.”
The phrase ‘It takes a village’ has been overused, but the wisdom in it remains profoundly true. Our lucky children’s fabulous aunts and uncles (and whatever other groovy names we find for them) will be sources of unlimited support, love, consolation and celebration, and they will be the greatest gift (second only to our children!) that we could give ourselves on this path.
Realities & Resources for the Queer Solo Parent
By Meghan Lewis, PhD, CMT
Becoming a single parent by choice assumes great love and great fortitude. For many queer solo parents the understanding exists that, yes, love makes a family, and fortitude is required, but an additional quality is oftentimes necessary: The ability to jump through hoops with great hope (and great humor) that one’s intention and purpose to become a parent will be validated with the proverbial and literal stamp of (social/political/institutional) approval.
Unfortunately, this is not always true. For example, queer solo parents may have to wrestle with insurance companies to have costs covered for reproductive technology, such as intentional fertilization/artificial insemination; they may have to cross their fingers that the licensed clinical social worker at the adoption agency acts in accordance with the non-discrimination by-laws; and they likely will contend with other social ramifications and political injustices that stigmatize and scrutinize not only those who are categorized as single mothers, but doubly-so as those who breed queer spawn.
In an interview with a queer solo parent of a preschooler, one Oakland lesbian mom shared her experience of joining a mom’s group wherein the conversations often turned to the topic of the other women’s husbands’ roles and responsibilities in their respective families and the particular challenges therein. It was not long before she saw her social life growing more and more heterosexually-oriented. Being consistently surrounded by straight mothers with marital privilege, she felt somewhat othered and out of place. In response, this mom sought balance by joining queer family-oriented social groups. A bi-identified mother of an elementary-age student described her experience similarly, wherein the majority of her social contacts, such as at her son’s school, athletic e
vents, and play dates, were with people of two-parent, heterosexual, legally married households. She felt compelled to find folk that reflected her family constellation so her son would see that, though they were unique, they were certainly not alone. The proactive actions of these moms worked to prevent isolation that could otherwise occur as a result of insufficient reflection in the face of the predominant parenting paradigm.
In an area rich in resources for families, from farmers’ markets to fine art museums, holistic pediatricians to homeschool playgroups, soccer coaches to spiritual communities, more and more families are finding what they need to feel nourished. The Bay Area also is home to a wide range of queer-focused groups, organizations, and professional service providers offering unconditional support and community connections. Our Family Coalition (OFC), founded in 1997, regularly offers queer single parent gatherings, monthly transgender parent support groups, as well as an annual LGBTQ Family Day event at the Berkeley YMCA. OFC also strives to create safe and welcoming environments in schools, and works to promote social justice for all families. Also available to East Bay families is the Berkeley Lesbian Moms Meetup Group, which organizes monthly events such as holiday cookie decorating parties, 4th of July BBQ’s, bowling parties, trips to the beach, visits to the zoo and many other child-friendly activities throughout the year. At these gatherings it is easy to find other queer solo parents with children of all ages, and to join in the various fun-filled, community building activities.
An additional challenge for queer solo parents may be in seeing one’s family as a complete family, especially for those who spent many years envisioning a co-parent in the picture. Embracing one’s position in the spectrum of family diversity may feel increasingly daunting within the maelstrom of such frequently posed questions as, “Where’s the daddy/mommy?” and “Don’t you think your child should have a male/female role model?” These queries seem to insinuate that the wisdom underlying the very personal choice of becoming a solo parent (possibly the most personal choice) is in question. They also may imply that the queer solo parent is inherently not good enough. Having a plan to probe and challenge well-intended inquiries and concerns may be of benefit, as the opportunity invariably will arise to enlighten the perplexed and the doubtful.
And for the femme-identified parent, who appears to be gender-conforming, there may be a sense of invisibility in her seeming passability. For example, there may be situations in which she must decide whether or not to come out when the other new mom at the park asks her what her husband does.
Transpeople also may face gender biases regarding their fit-ness for family. One Berkeley transparent of two described his experience of creating family through a fost-adopt program. While there is always a real possibility of re-unification with the biological family and, thus, loss of adoption for any foster family in the program, this transparent had to cope with the added worry that the adoption process could be reversed if the adoptee’s biological family discovered, and disapproved of, his gender non-conforming status.
As parents we are called constantly to dig deep. As queer solo parents we have to dig deeper still. We have to stand our ground, to affirm and reaffirm our parenting positions. We are a rich and resourceful community of the strong, the independent, the bold and the brave. We push the boundaries of established realities, we question authority, we follow our own leads, trusting our instincts and our hearts, believing in our right to parent. And when in doubt, we can call on those who have been there. We can choose to remember that though we are solo, we are not alone. We love, we cherish, we sacrifice, we share. We are devoted. We are parents full of pride.
Queer Solo Parent-Friendly Providers in the East Bay
Adoption:
A Better Way, www.abetterwayinc.net
Alameda County Social Services, www.alamedasocialservices.org
Family Builders, www.familybuilders.org
Fertility Support:
At Home Fertility Services, www.athomefertility.com
Maia Midwifery & Preconception Services, www.maiamidwifery.com
Swift Stork Courier Service, www.swiftstork.com
Sperm Banks:
Pacific Reproductive Services, www.pacrepro.com
Rainbow Flag Sperm Bank, www.gayspermbank.com
The Sperm Bank of California, www.thespermbankofca.org
Birth, Postpartum & Lactation Support:
Ellah Ray (Birth & Postpartum Doula, Childbirth Educator), 510-610-1844
Monica Zimmerman (Lactation Support), www.birthtransitions.net
Postpartum Warm Line (Parental Support available 9am-9pm), 888-773-7090
Tomi J. Knutson (Postpartum Night Doula, Newborn Massage Instructor), www.tomiknutson.com
Ursula Ferreira (Birth Doula), 510-470-8129
Midwifery Care:
Hearthstone Midwifery, www.hearthstonemidwifery.com
The Sacred Birth Place, www.sacredbirthplace.com
Tres Lunas Midwifery, 510-704-8366
Womb Service Midwifery, www.wombservicemidwifery.com
Medical Practitioners:
Dr. Ayanna Bennett (Alameda Pediatrics), 510 523-3417
Dr. Elizabeth Salzburg (Kiwi Pediatrics), www.kiwipediatrics.com
Dr. Roxanne Fiscella (Family Practice, Alta Bates), 510-843-0692
Acupuncture, Bodywork, Chiropractic, Craniosacral & Massage Therapists:
Bridget Scadeng,www.bridgetscadeng.com
Jill Stevens, L.Ac., www.yourwholefamilywellness.com
Kristin Peters, D.C., www.optimumwellness.net
Tomi J. Knutson: www.tomiknutson.com
Mental Health Support:
Gaylesta, www.gaylesta.org
Laura Goldberger, MFT, www.lauragoldberger.com
Lisa Kully, MFT, embodiedpsychotherapy.net
Meghan Lewis, PhD, www.meghanlewisphd.com
Womens’ Therapy Center, www.womenstherapy.org
Pacific Center, www.pacificcenter.org
Childcare Referrals, Parenting Classes & Groups:
Bananas, www.bananasinc.org
BirthWays, www.birthways.org
Colage, www.colage.org
Support Groups:
Hearthstone Midwifery, www.hearthstonemidwifery.com
Laura Goldberger, MFT, www.lauragoldberger.com
Meghan Lewis, PhD, www.meghanlewisphd.com
Our Family Coalition, www.ourfamily.org
Pacific Center, www.pacificcenter.org
Real Estate Agents, Attorneys & Financial Resources:
Amber Crowley: www.marvingardens.com
Carole Cullum, JD: www.cullumlaw.com
Family Equality Council: www.familyequality.org
Queer Cents: www.queercents.com
Jan Zobel (Tax Preparation): www.janztax.com
Blogs & Lists:
Berkeley Parents Network: bpn_admin@lists.berkeley.edu
Choice Moms Blog: www.choicemoms.org
Doula Right Thing: www.doularightthing.blogspot.com
Oakland Hills Gay and Lesbian Parents Meetup Group, www.meetup.com/Oakland-Hills-Gay-and-Lesbian-Parents
Queer Baby Making, www.queerbabymaking.com
Queer Parents Forum: www.circleofmoms.com/queer-parents
Single Mothers By Choice Blog: singlemothersbychoice.blogspot.com
The Berkeley Lesbian Moms Meetup Group: www.meetup.com/gay-berkeley-moms/suggestion
Directories:
Gay Lesbian Directory: www.gaylesbiandirectory.com
Gay Yellow Pages: www.gayellowpages.com
The Sperm Bank of California’s Resource List: www.thespermbankofca.org/pdf/resourcelist.pdf
Books:
‘Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide,’ by Mikki Morrisette
‘Considering Parenthood’, by Cheri Pies
‘Lesbians Raising Sons,’ by Jess Wells
‘Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood,’ by Jane Mattes
‘Taking Charge of Your Fertility,’ by Toni Weschler
‘The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy & Birth,’ by Stephanie Brill and Preston Sacks
‘The Queer Parent’s Primer: A Lesbian and Gay Families’ Guide to Navigating Through a Straight World,’ by Stephanie Brill
‘The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians: How to Stay Sane and Care for Yourself from Pre-conception Through Birth,’ by Rachel Pepper
Rebecca Plum, LM, CPM is a Licensed and Certified Professional Midwife, offering homebirth midwifery care, well woman care, and support groups for prospective, pregnant and parenting solo parents, and for queer (prospective, pregnant and parenting) families. She also provides in-home inseminations through At Home Fertility. www.HearthstoneMidwifery.com
Meghan Lewis, PhD, CMT is the founder of Integrative Psychological Services in Oakland, CA, next to Alta Bates Summit Medical Center. With over 15 years of experience in maternal mental health, Meghan brings unconditional support to her clients exploring a range of parenting-related issues from preconception to postpartum and beyond. Meghan is a queer solo parent by choice of a five-year old and serves on the BirthWays Board of Directors as Resource Coordinator. www.meghanlewisphd.com
g, and, in parenting, can interfere with our children’s innate ability to learn from experience.
ing has gone awry. Growth and development are natural states that can be derailed both by certainty and by the anxiety that can accompany doubt. But don’t the maxims of “Don’t be certain” and “Don’t be in doubt,” contradict each other? Here is where the teaching of “Don’t-know-mind” can be particularly useful. As the Buddhist teacher Suzuki Roshi said:
