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BirthWays Newsletter

Creative Ways to Play with Your Baby

October 14, 2011

By Kim Lyons

Now that your baby has arrived, what do you do to entertain and play with her? Forget about the advertisements plastering the parenting magazines or the aisles full of toys at the big warehouse shops; what I’m referring to doesn’t require anything more than being present and using items you find around your house or in the local park. Let’s call it back to basics: non-stressful ways to spend time with your baby.

Mom and Infant This may mean changing modes, moving at a slower pace. For example, take your time getting out of bed, explore with massage, sing a lullaby, stare into baby’s eyes, and take those moments to be together. Give yourself permission to have a pajama day from time to time. Since babies can pick up on emotions such as stress and anger as early as 6 months, teach them how to take care of themselves by taking care of you. Find ways to create quiet periods throughout the day. The email, laundry, and dishes can wait.

As you lay in bed together, gently massage your baby’s toes one by one; use the opportunity to burst into “This Little Piggy” or begin introducing numbers by counting them. Not only does massaging his toes provide an opportunity for play and early number introduction, stimulating this area of the body boosts the immune system warding off colds and flu viruses. Other prime times to offer a gentle massage are during diaper changes and after baths. Administering long, slow strokes from head to toe is calming and relaxing not only for baby, but for you as well. If you want to dive deeper into massage, attend an infant massage class or check the library for books or DVDs on how to massage your baby.

How might you make use of other times together, such as when you are standing in a long grocery line? Start to move together by swaying back and forth; bend your knees and move up and down, turn around if there is room, and sing about your movement while you dance. No matter how small the movement, it will improve both of your attitudes about being stuck in line. Imagine the smiles from people around you as they vicariously release their own unspoken frustration. You can explore these dance moves with music while at home. Play a variety of music (classical, jazz, drumming, rock, etc.) and find a rhythm as you partner with your baby to tango, salsa or slow dance around your home. See what appeals to you and your baby.

You can also tone down the moves and introduce gentle passive movements, also known as baby yoga. Leg movements, where you move baby’s legs like they Hands are riding on a bicycle, can offer gas and constipation relief. Simply hold her legs on the lower leg/calf and rotate them gently in a circular motion. Remember: If you meet with resistance, stop. Never force the baby to do any movements they are not ready for. You can clap baby’s hands at mid-line while singing “Patty Cake”, then take his arms out to the sides or up over her head for an easy stretch. Describe how you are opening and closing or moving up and down. See how many ways you can engage your baby’s hands and feet. You can gently clap them, roll them, tap them, push them, shake them, etc.

Many of us are very self-conscious about singing in our society, but babies don’t care what your voice sounds like. You can make up songs about anything such as: leaving the swings or washing your hands for lunch. Sing in a whisper, a big voice, or somewhere in between. Clap your baby’s hands together or offer him a wooden spoon to drum along. Try to remember old favorites from your childhood, check out the library or check out Internet resources for a new repertoire. For example, YouTube.com has an array of tunes sung by all types of people.

Finally, gather things from around the house or outdoors to play with. Look for items that will fit into one or more of the senses: touch, taste, sound, smell and sight. Remember you can explore items safely together, for example, sand at the park or beach may be a tempting thing to put in her mouth, but what about just sitting baby on your lap, scooping a fistful of sand and pouring it over her legs or toes. Or how about standing your baby up so just his feet are standing on the sand all the while describing the experience? You might say one or all of the following based on what is going on: “the sand feels warm because of the sun,” “the sand may tickle as it runs through your toes,” and/or “does the sand feel rough against your skin?” You are beginning to introduce descriptors that the baby uses as it learns to categorize while experimenting with all the different textures.

In addition, explore with more than just the hands and feet. Rub the silky scarf on her cheek or roll the smooth rock down his forearm. Take time to engage in play together and other times sit back and watch as your little scientist performs experiments with the toys you offer. Often grandmothers like to say, “All we had were pots and pans to play with and we turned out just fine!” I find this to be more and more true as I watch my 6 year old find 101 things to do with a toilet paper roll. Sometimes, it’s about adjusting our own perceptions and merely looking around with new eyes. Babies do get tired of playing with the same items though, so change things around by rotating items every week or two.

Keep things simple, it’s more about the quality than the quantity that you give your baby. Our time with our babies passes by far too quickly. What better gift is it to slow down and be less absorbed by the latest gadget and explore who is right in front of you? These and many more ideas can be found in my infant massage class at BirthWays or in my Tum e Time: Creative Ways To Play With Your Baby classes in Oakland, Berkeley and San Francisco, visit www.tumetime.com.

Preparing Nutritionally for the Fourth Trimester: It’s all about you, Mom

By Sarah Brick

The first 3 months after the baby is born is referred to as the fourth trimester, a time where we are adjusting emotionally and physically. The emphasis is often on the baby, but we need to take care of ourselves to enable us to have the energy necessary to take care of our little one. While everyone tells us how important it is to eat healthfully during pregnancy, this important postpartum period is often overlooked.

Nutrition is crucial during this time and can help us balance emotions, hormones, and replenish iron and minerals lost during the birth. Good nutrition will ensure a good milk supply and help us maintain the energy we need.

When your baby arrives it can be difficult to think about preparing healthy meals and snacks for yourself, so it is wise to prepare in advance. Good ways to ensure you are well nourished include: having a well-stocked pantry, keeping a few easy recipes on hand, and cooking a few meals ahead and storing them in the freezer. Completing a full pantry clear out and restock is a great way to ensure you have a full supply of healthy, nutrient dense foods to get you through the long days. It is important to remove any processed and refined foods from your diet, as these foods will hinder your recovery. As always, ensuring a balanced diet using whole foods is the way to go.

Here are a few healing essentials to help with an optimal recovery:

Seaweed – In Korea, women who have given birth are fed a seaweed soup called miyeok guk one or more times each day for a minimum of two weeks following delivery. Sea vegetables have the broadest range of minerals of any food. They are an excellent source of iron, which is important, as there is usually significant blood loss during birth. Add seaweed to soups and broths or toast nori in a pan for 5 minutes for a healthy snack. Crumble seaweed in with some raw nuts to munch on while nursing.

Herbal Teas – Loose-leaf herbs are a wonderful addition to your pantry, so stock-up on nettle, raspberry leaf, peppermint and chamomile. You will benefit from the vitamins and minerals present in the herbs. Nettle, raspberry leaf, fennel, and fenugreek are said to help milk supply; while peppermint and chamomile will calm the system. It’s easy to make up your own blends according to your preference. I like to blend peppermint, raspberry leaf, and nettle in a jar and let it steep in the sun.

Soups & Broths – Soups are amazingly versatile and healing. Preparing a nourishing bone broth* in advance, then simmering vegetables for a soup, will help sustain your energy to ensure you are getting a wide range of nutrients. You can make a big batch and put in the freezer for later use: Ziplocs work well. Soup is an excellent first meal after birth. Parsley is a particularly good addition to soups as it helps reduce inflammation and adds a good amount of iron and vitamin C to your diet and both are needed for your recovery. Preparing a mineral rich vegetable broth with a variety of vegetables and sipping throughout the day will help facilitate healing.

Nuts & Seeds – Having a supply of raw nuts and seeds will ensure you always have a ready to go snack. You can mix and match them as you want. Make sure you have a variety using walnuts, almonds, hazelnuts, pecans, as well as sunflower, pumpkin, and sesame seeds. Roasting nuts and seeds destroys much of their nutritional content, so they are best consumed raw.

Nutritional Yeast – Available at most health stores, nutritional yeast has a cheesy/nutty flavor and is packed with B vitamins. It is so easy to sprinkle on popcorn for a snack, or even to blend into milk as a drink. Vitamin B6 is critical in maintaining hormone balance and proper immune function. Due to the rapid readjustment of hormones in the mother’s body after birth, it is essential to eat vitamin B rich foods. Other sources include organ meats, raw milk, and organic free-range eggs.

Eggs – Touted by some as the perfect food. They are a great source of protein and B vitamins. In traditional Chinese medicine, eggs are recommended to strengthen one’s blood and energy by enhancing digestive and kidney function. Hard-boiled eggs are an excellent snack; you can pre-boil a few at a time and keep them in the fridge.

Healthy Fats – Whole fats are essential for maintaining hormone balance; they nourish us and satiate us. They should not be restricted in a mothers diet! Some experts believe that postpartum depression can be attributed to the depletion of omega-3 fatty acids in the diet. Use real butter, drink whole milk, and eat plenty of wild fish and even sardines. Try to use coconut oil for cooking. Olive oil, sesame oil, and walnut oil are best used cold over salads and vegetables. You will need fat in your diet to help with healing and recovery; it is critical you have enough.

Probiotics – Lactobacillus acidophilus and bifidobacteria not only help regulate bowel movements; they increase the absorption of minerals that require acid for absorption such as calcium, copper, iron, magnesium and manganese. You can take good quality probiotics in capsule form as well as eating plenty of cultured foods such as: raw sauerkraut, yogurt, and kefir.

Multivitamins – It is wise to continue with a good multivitamin during the fourth trimester. It should not be used instead of but rather as an insurance policy to compliment your whole foods diet.

Caring for a newborn baby and becoming a mother for the first, second, or even third time is truly a special experience. Providing ourselves with healthy ingredients to nourish our strong bodies will enable us to relish in the delights of motherhood.

*For more information on making nourishing bone broth, see my article on www.livingnutrition.net.

References

Murray, Michael. The Encyclopedia of Healing Foods. New York: Atria Books, 2005.

Lipski, Elizabeth. Digestive Wellness. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2004.

Enig, Mary G. Know Your Fats. Silver Spring, MD: Bethesda Press, 2000.

Fallon, Sally. Nourishing Traditions. Washington D.C.: New trends Publishing, 2001.

Weed, Susun S. Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year. Woodstock, NY: Ash Tree Publishing, 1986.

Sarah Brick studied holistic nutrition at Bauman College and founded LivingNutrition.net at the beginning of 2011. She specializes in nutritional support for pregnant women, postpartum recovery, and families. Services Sarah provides for families around the Bay Area include: cultivating healthy mealtimes through cooking classes in your own home, introducing solid food to babies, market shopping trips, and pantry restocks. She is a member of the NANP – National Association Of Nutrition Professionals.

Sarah Brick

You can contact her by phone (415-309-4179) or email (sarahbricksf@gmail.com), or visit her website at www.livingnutrition.net.

Choosing Toys for Babies

June 15, 2011

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Gentle Baby Care

You may not be sure what kind of toys, or how many, your baby should have. It’s likely that you hear conflicting advice that runs from one extreme to another! It’s either: “Don’t give your baby toys — he’ll be spoiled,” to “Give your baby lots of toys — they develop his brain.” So…which is it?

Both sides of this debate have valid points. A baby does indeed learn from the things she plays with, and the more things she has access to, the more she can learn. With this in mind, many parents spend a fortune buying toys; however, many toys hold a child’s attention for three or four days, only to be relegated to the bottom of the toybox or back of a shelf.

Babies learn about their world by using all five of their senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch. Toys engage and refine these senses by:

Helping your baby learn how to control his movements and body parts
Helping your baby figure out how things work
Showing your baby how he can control things in his world
Teaching your baby new ideas
Building your baby’s muscle control, coordination, and strength
Teaching your baby how to use his imagination
Showing your baby how to solve simple problems
Helping your baby learn how to play by himself
Setting the foundation for learning how to share and cooperate with others

Experts agree that babies need a variety of toys to enrich their lives and encourage learning. While your baby can learn from expensive store-bought toys, she can also learn from a crumpled piece of paper, a set of measuring spoons, an empty box, or a leaf. Everything is new and interesting to a baby, and if you open your eyes to the many wonders in our world, you’ll see that you don’t have to spend a fortune to keep your baby happy, interested, and learning.

What “home-grown” toys are best?

As you view the whole world as a bottomless toybox, here are some tips to consider:

Search for items of different weights, materials, textures, flexibility, sizes, shapes, colors, and smells. (Most store-bought baby toys are primary-colored plastic; that’s why your metal keys on a leather key ring are so very appealing — they’re different!)
Babies are generalists. Your little one will apply what he learns from one object to any other that is similar. Therefore, don’t give him an old book or magazine to scribble in unless you want all of your books to be potential notepads. A sealed bottle may look fun, but your baby may then think he can play with your pill bottles.
Take a closer look at the things you consider “trash.” Some may be valuable toys! Empty boxes, egg cartons, and tin containers are just a few examples of everyday castoffs that, once cleaned, can provide endless hours of play.

PARENT TIP

“I made a great set of blocks for my daughter by collecting an assortment of empty boxes from regular household products and covering them with contact paper. They are colorful, light weight and man interesting shapes and sizes.”

~Yu-ting, mother of Shu-Lin (3 years old)

Your kitchen is overflowing with baby toys! Once your little one begins to crawl, it’s time to rearrange the kitchen. Put all your baby-safe items, such as plastic containers, pots and pans, potholders and canned goods, in your lower cabinets and let your baby know where his “toys” are. You’ll have to relax your housekeeping standards and deal with disorganized cabinets for awhile, but the play potential is so fantastic that it’s worth it!
Young children love water play, and a bowl or pan of water along with spoons and cups of various sizes make a fabulous source of fun. You can put your baby in his high chair, sit him on the floor on a beach towel, or take him outside in a shady spot if the weather is warm. I guarantee he’ll be soaked when he’s done, but that will be after a very long and happy play session.
Containers to fill and empty are lots of fun for a baby. You can safely fulfill your older baby’s desire to manipulate small things by filling a large bowl with a variety of colorful children’s cereals (nothing hard or ball-shaped) and supplying spoons, measuring cups, and other containers. Since you’re using cereal pieces, it’s okay if some end up in his mouth. Don’t try this with beads, seeds, macaroni, or other items that pose a choking hazard.

What store-bought toys are best?

A while ago, I went to the toy store to buy my youngest child, Coleton, a toy that my older three adored when they were babies. It was a simple pop-up toy for toddlers with various buttons, levers, and dials. I found a bewildering variety of this kind of toy, but to my dismay, every single one was electronic. They made sounds, they made music, they had blinking lights — they just about played by themselves! I finally had to order the prized toy from a specialty catalog that carries “back to basics” toys. Sure, electronic toys can be exciting — for awhile — but they can also stunt your baby’s developing ability to imagine and manipulate (and let’s face it: those repetitive electronic sounds can get annoying). If a toy does everything by itself, it loses its potential as a tool for developing creativity. Also, if your little one gets used to these toys, then simple pleasures like wooden blocks seem boring by comparison because he expects the blocks to play for him. And those simple toys are among the very best for baby playtime.

Look for these qualities as you shop for your baby:

Long-term play value: Will this hold your little one’s attention for more than a few weeks?
Durability: Will it hold up when sat on, thrown, jumped on, mouthed, or banged?
Solid simplicity: Babies don’t need complicated toys.
Challenge: Look for toys that teach but do not frustrate.
Appropriateness. Does it match your baby’s thinking, language, and motor skills?
Interest: Will it encourage your baby to think?
Stimulation: How does this toy foster creativity and imagination?
Interactiveness: Does it engage your child or just entertain him as he watches passively?
Versatility: Can your baby play with this in more than one way?
Washability: Well-loved toys tend to get very dirty!
Fit with your family value system: Does this toy reflect your family’s particular values? For example, is the toy friendly to the environment? Does it promote diversity? Are you comfortable with what the toy represents?
Novelty: Is this toy different from others your baby already has? You don’t want a toy box filled with 30 different kinds of rattles!
Fun appeal: Is it something that you will enjoy playing with, too? Toys that encourage you to play along with your baby are ideal.

Best toys for young babies:

Board books

Foot or hand puppets

Musical toys

Rattles

Small, lightweight, easy-to-grasp toys

Squeaky toys

Teething rings

Toys with high-contrast graphics, bright colors, or black-and-white patterns

Best toys for older babies:

Activity boxes (levers/buttons/dials/hinges)

Balls

Beginning puzzles (two or three large pieces; knobs are helpful)

Blocks

Cars and trucks

Chunky small people and accessories

Dolls and stuffed animals

Hammering toys

Large interlocking beads

Modeling dough

Musical toys

Nesting cups

Peg boards

Picture books

Plastic animals

Pop-up toys

Push or pull toys

Shape sorters

Stacking rings

Toy versions of everyday items (telephones, cooking utensils, doctor kits)

Toys you still remember from your childhood (The classics endure and are always a good bet!)

Washable crayons or markers and blank paper

Playtime

As you give you baby new things to play with, keep in mind that there is no right way to play with toys. For example, a puzzle is not always for “puzzling.” The pieces make great manipulative characters, can be sorted or put in boxes, and make interesting noises when banged together or against an empty pot. Children learn through play, so any toy they enjoy playing with is, by definition, educational.

Safety for all toys

Always consider well the safety aspects of anything your baby is going to play with. Here are a few ways to keep playtime safe:

Discard any plastic wrapping, plastic bags, packaging, or tags before giving a toy to a baby.
Always watch for choking hazards. Anything small enough to fit in your baby’s mouth has the potential for danger. Watch for pieces that may become loose from a larger object, too. Make sure that no small parts can be pulled off or chewed off the toy.
Check the paint or finish on the toy to make sure it is non-toxic, since babies put everything in their mouths.
Check toys for sharp points, rough edges, rust, and broken parts.
Always abide by the age rating on the package. No matter how smart your child is or how wonderful the toy, don’t second-guess the manufacturer, since age rankings often are given due to safety issues. If you choose to purchase a toy with an older age recommendation, make certain that the toy is used only when you are playing with your baby, and that it is stored where your baby can’t get to it without your supervision.
Remove rattles, squeeze toys, teethers, stuffed animals, and other small toys from the crib or bed when your baby goes to sleep for naps or bedtime. The exception here is a specialty made-for-baby toy that has been carefully created to be a safe sleeping lovey.
Avoid pull toys with long cords that could wind around your baby’s neck. Pull toys for babies should have either very short strings or rigid handles.
Make sure toys are properly assembled, with no loose parts.
Beware of excessively loud toys. Babies tend to hold things close to their faces, and you want to protect your baby’s sensitive ears.
Buy mobiles or crib toys from reputable manufacturers, and make sure that they attach to the crib without dangling strings. Remove mobiles and other crib toys once your baby can sit up.
Make sure that toys are never left on stairs, in doorways, or in walkways.
Your baby’s toybox should have a special safety lid (or no lid at all) to prevent it from slamming on your baby’s head or hands, or trapping your baby inside. There shouldn’t be any hinges that could pinch little fingers.
Never give a baby a balloon, Styrofoam, or plastic wrap as a toy; these present a serious choking hazard, since they cannot be expelled using the Heimlich maneuver.
If a toy is second-hand (whether purchased from a second-hand store or garage sale, or given to you by a friend or relative), give all of the above rules extra consideration. If you have any doubts, always err on the side of safety and discard the toy. Don’t let your baby play with a paint-finished toy that appears to be older than a few years — the paint may be lead-based, which poses serious hazards to a baby who touches or mouths it.

Keep toys (and parts of toys) designed for older children out of the hands of babies. Your baby may like to play with toys belonging to an older sibling or friend, but these are geared, safety-wise, to older kids and are not safe for little ones to use without very close supervision.

This article is an excerpt from Gentle Baby Care by Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003) http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

How to Cope with Unwanted Advice

By Gina Hassan, Ph.D.

Following the birth of a baby, everyone has advice to offer new parents. While some of the advice received may be pearls of wisdom – helpful, soothing, clarifying bits of information that we are ever so grateful to have gained access to – other bits of advice may be less desirable and cause feelings of anxiety, confusion, helplessness, hopelessness and even anger. Some advice is solicited, and some is “dished out” whether we want it or not. Here are a handful of suggestions of how to stay calm and grounded in the face of “unwanted advice.”

Advice during this time can come from all kinds of places. Sought after advice may come from a friend, a physician, a relative, etc. Unsolicited advice can come from anyone you find yourself in close quarters with including the person standing on line in front of you in the grocery store.

Here is a sampling of kinds of advice some of the moms in my groups have received, along with suggestions of how you might chose to respond. Use these examples as a benchmark if they are helpful, and/or simply let them speak to you in whatever way makes sense for you at this time.

The stranger. Remember that people are generally well intentioned, if not fairly naïve, when the person behind you in the grocery store suggests you might try feeding your crying baby. After all, every time her baby cried twenty-five years ago, it was because she was hungry and underfed, and it took this Mama eight months to figure this out.

How you might respond? Take a deep breath and remember: Babies are provocative beings we are biologically wired to respond to. Seeing a crying baby can bring up our own deep sense of internal helplessness, our wish to be able to control our environment, unresolved feelings about how we were parented and/or how we parented our own children. (All this in an unconscious instant, too much for many of us to bear without trying to remedy the situation no matter how silly our suggestions may be.)

While the advice may be exasperating and seem terribly naïve, try not to take it personally. Take a deep breath, gather whatever calm you can, and precede with what you know and believe to be the best way to navigate through this particularly challenging situation. Remember it is always easier to give advice than to receive it when you are in the middle of struggling through a difficult situation.

Your Mother-in-Law. Your mother-in-law tells you for the fifth time that you might want to consider leaving your baby in the crib to cry for a while as you are spoiling her by picking her up every time she cries.

How you might respond? Remember, different generations have different culturally laden beliefs about how our little ones should be raised. From the perspective of many grandparents, the culture of attachment-parenting may look like a crazy misinformed approach, which will raise a generation of whining, self-indulgent, out of control children.

You be the judge as to whether a frank conversation about the importance of responding to our little one’s in an emotional attuned manner will penetrate Grandma’s belief system. If this is too much to get into, it may be best to simply take a breath and explain: “While I respect that when you were raising your children the experts advised against responding too quickly for fear of spoiling a child, today’s thinking reflects an understanding that it is impossible to spoil an infant.” Scientists now believe that until a baby can sooth itself, it is important for us to help them regulate their emotional states. This way of dialoguing with someone from another generation shows respect and recognizes the fact that we all parent within a cultural context that changes with time and geography. Referencing scientific studies can also help take it out of the realm of a personal power struggle so that it is not simply my belief versus yours.

Your Pediatrician. Your pediatrician tells you it is time for you to sleep train your baby and recommends a book along with the prescription that by your next visit she wants to see your little one sleeping through the night.

How you might respond? Remember, unless you are suffering from Postpartum Mood Disorder or another medical condition, the only valid reason to sleep train your baby is because it is what you (and your partner if you have one) have decided is the right course for your family at this time. Pediatricians and other professionals may have their own bias. Try and stay grounded in what you know to be right for you and your family. There are 1001 opinions regarding “the right thing to do” but you are the only one who can judge what is right for you and your family.

Sleeping is one of the most controversial and stressful topics for new parents. In early parenthood, sleep is one of those topics where people have very strong and varied opinions about what the right thing to do looks like.

If you are feeling pushed in a direction that does not feel right, it is important to speak up. Share with your pediatrician, or whoever is pushing you, that you are not there yet, or that this is not consistent with your belief system. While you can’t exactly trade grandmas if the ones your child has aren’t respecting your choices, you can find a new pediatrician or other care professional if need be. If a conversation about your views is not adequately incorporated into your practitioner’s approach, this might mean it is time to look for someone who is more open minded or whose views are more consistent with your own childrearing philosophies. (This topic could certainly go either way with the care professional pushing either a cry-it-out or a baby-led approach, but in either case the care professionals’ bias being the issue.)

Your Pet. Your beloved kitty Seymour gives you a stern glare you know only too well to mean, “You’ve changed from your easy going self to this tense hurried stranger. Lighten up lady and give me some attention for a change.”

Seymour may have a point. Unsolicited advice is not always welcome, but every once in awhile there is some wisdom lurking beneath its irritating surface. Whenever you can, take a moment to consider without judgment if there is anything to be gained from these suggestions. Would taking a moment out from your hurried baby-focused frenzy to luxuriate in Seymour’s furriness be such a bad idea? While we may not have time for the things that use to give us pleasure such as: spending time with our Kitty, our partner, or taking a bath; we might also forget that it is OK to take a moment here and there to pause and not be “doing” something.

So next time your kitty, or your metaphorical Kitty, gives you that look, pause to see if there is wisdom in his advice before you simply shrug it off. If there is, take in the wisdom. If not, try and stay spacious and let the advice pass through without throwing you off kilter.

Gina Hassan, Ph.D. is a perinatal psychologist specializing in maternal mental health. She offers individual and couples therapy, consultation, and Mindful Mothering and New Moms’ Support Groups. She has been on the BirthWays board for 3+ years. For more information and/or to read other articles please visit her website at www.ginahassan.com.

Supporting Attachment During the Transition to a New Childcare Arrangement

By Lindsay Germain

When Ella and her mom arrived for the first day of their art class for three-year-olds, Ella seemed like a quiet, shy little girl. The other children worked and played together while their parents were away, while Ella sat in her mother’s lap, quietly avoiding the other children. On their third day in the group, I gently suggested her mom could take an hour for herself while Ella was with us; I was confident Ella would do well. Nervous about leaving Ella alone, particularly in light of her apparent shyness, her mother decided to say goodbye and wait outside the room where she could hear how Ella was doing. Though Ella had never before been away from her family, she began to interact with the other children, and turned out to be anything but shy. She appeared confident, focused and self-directed; with a little encouragement she was easily able to ask for what she needed and play with the other children. Soon enough, Ella’s mother was dropping her off and taking some much-needed time for herself during class.

Sending your little one into another’s care for the first time is a monumental experience. This first separation can bring up nervousness, doubt, mistrust, and grief for even the most even-keeled parents. The process can be quite trying, but can also provide an opportunity for growth where you can examine your feelings and reaffirm your love and commitment to your child. Your child has an opportunity to master separating from you in a secure and confident way that keeps your attachment strong. In this article, we’ll explore some ways you can help your child make this transition with confidence and ease.

What is Attachment?

Attachment is the bond between a child and a principal caregiver, formed over the period between birth and age three. You can think of attachment as a template for relationships, forming the set of expectations a child will carry into adulthood about close relationships. This template can prove to be a huge help, or a hurdle, toward developing close, loving relationships in adulthood.

In the early stages of human brain development, infants and young children lack the capacity to conceive of the motives and complexity of the world around them. If an infant cries and no one responds, the infant experiences powerlessness. Over time, this is internalized as the message: The world is a harsh place; I cannot trust the world to be a place where my needs will be met. When an infant cries and a caregiver responds lovingly and consistently, the baby gets quite a different message: I have the power to get someone to care for me. The child internalizes this type of consistent loving care into a more global view: The world is a safe place where I will be taken care of.

There is tremendous power and resiliency in a worldview like the latter. Imagine how differently these two babies might cope with adversity in relationships, loss, health challenges, financial struggles, and all the rest.

To give an example, Annette was four years old when her father was killed during the Holocaust. She fondly remembers him as a strong, reliable, honorable man who loved her dearly and set an example of living in his power and loving his family. To this day, though she struggles with the wounds of her experiences and loss, her memories of her relationship with her father give her strength and comfort and help remind her of how to love and take care of herself and others.

Developing a secure bond with caregivers in early life helps a child to develop the resiliency to weather life’s challenges with relative confidence and ease. To build a secure attachment children need consistent, loving, responsive care from all of their primary caregivers, especially during times of transition.

Supporting Attachment

This section discusses some ways in which you can support your child’s attachment and help ease the transition to a new childcare arrangement.

Time the beginning of your new childcare arrangement to meet your child’s developmental needs. There are stages during infancy and early childhood where it is relatively easy for your child to be away from you, and other periods where it is quite difficult. Between seven or eight months and twelve to fifteen months, your child may develop separation anxiety that may make a first time separation quite difficult. This is because your child is beginning to understand that you exist even when you are not present. Knowing you are out there but not knowing where, when, or whether you’ll return can cause anxiety for babies during this time. When possible, it’s best to begin a new caregiver arrangement before or after this period.

Choose a caregiver or caregivers you trust. From birth to age three, your child’s developing brain is learning to recognize and read faces and emotions. Your child looks to you for cues about whether a new caregiver is a safe, trusted person. In order to feel secure in a new caregiver arrangement, your child (under age three) needs to see that you feel good about the people who are caring for him/her. For referrals and a free class on your childcare options and how to choose a childcare arrangement, visit Bananas (5232 Claremont Ave, Oakland, CA, bananasinc.org).

Let your child know what to expect in advance. Your words will help your child prepare. Don’t skip this explanation because you think your baby is too young to understand. Verbal comprehension develops before speech, and these conversations get through even to babies who don’t talk yet. Even if your child can’t understand all the words, your tone and confidence during the transition will send a strong message of support. For older children, talking about the change also creates an opportunity for children to voice their fears or feelings about the arrangement and begin to process them.

Create a special goodbye routine and use it everyday. Having a consistent goodbye routine is critical to your child’s sense of security. Your child needs to learn that you are predictable to trust that you will come back.

Always get your child’s attention and say goodbye before you leave. Do this even if your child doesn’t seem interested in you, is absorbed in something else, or doesn’t seem to need you. Often, the children who act like they do not to need their parents are the ones who need them the most. Some children ignore or pretend not to need their parents as a “test” to try and find out if their parents “love them enough” to say goodbye.

When you say goodbye, leave right away. Your child needs to learn to trust you, so telling him/her what you are going to do and following through are important. Babies and young children are egocentric, conceiving of everything around them as if they caused it. If you sometimes stay after saying goodbye, your child might believe that something he/she did made you stay and may become fixated on doing the right thing to try to make you stay. You need to leave when you say goodbye to send your child the message that he/she doesn’t have control over when you leave, so that he/she can feel secure and be free to enjoy the day, rather than feeling preoccupied with trying to control something that has nothing to do with him/her.

As much as possible, keep things familiar. You might consider asking a familiar person, such as a grandparent or friend, to care for your child the first time you are away. If your child will be cared for in your home, leave some reminders of you around the house – your shoes, an unwashed T-shirt, photos, movies, or anything else that will help remind your little one of you. Lots of children love to dress up in your clothes and play pretend!

If the child will be cared for outside of your home, visit the place together at least once and talk about the new arrangement. If this is your first time separating from your child, you should plan to visit together before the new arrangement begins and stay with the child in the new space for at least an hour or two. Your visit together gives your child a chance to explore and orient to the new space while feeling safe with you there as a “home base.”

Make sure your child has any special items, toys, or lovies. These include any items to which your child is attached, and work best if they can be carried throughout the day. You can begin to encourage your child to start forming attachments to a special toy or lovie between three and six months of age.

Make a waterproof album of photos of your family your child can carry. Your childcare provider(s) can pull this album out to help your child feel secure by providing a reminder of your love and connection if your child misses you or in an emergency.

Give your child something to be excited about in the new arrangement. Figure out what your child might enjoy about the new arrangement (a trip to a favorite spot, new friends, new toys, etc.) and help him/her get excited about it. It’s important to normalize your child’s feelings as you do. You might try saying something like, “It’s okay if you miss me. If you do, tell Grandpa and he’ll give you a hug and look at some pictures of our family with you.” Don’t be concerned if your child doesn’t react as positively as you’d hoped. It’s important for children to be able to express feelings and fears and it is a good sign if your child shows these feelings to you. A child will be able to process and move through emotions more effectively if you are able to listen, or be present, without trying to talk feelings away or by putting a positive spin on the situation. As you do this consistently, your confidence in your child’s ability to make the transition will come across and instill a sense of security even if your child seems quite anxious or upset.

Expect some tears, fears, and “clinginess”; but don’t be surprised if your child takes the separation better than you do. While you are getting ready to separate for the first time or anytime you’re starting with a new childcare arrangement thereafter, it’s perfectly normal for children with a healthy, secure attachment to appear “clingy,” sad, or nervous. If you’ve done what you can to support them to make this transition, they will be able to move on from their sadness shortly after you leave. Regardless of how easily or well children handle transition, separating can be tremendously trying for parents; full of anxiety, grief, and other emotions. Memories from your own childhood may even emerge. Be gentle with yourself and find support as you begin to say goodbye to your little one.

During the first few days, ask your childcare provider(s) to call or arrange a time to talk to share information and reassure you that your child is transitioning well. This will provide an opportunity to make changes in the routine and communicate about important occurrences during the day.

Be present when you see your child for the first time at the end of the day. As you travel to be reunited with your child, take the time to unwind and let go of the stresses of the day. At the end of a long day, both you and your child may feel anxious, upset, or tired. Take some deep breaths and show up to your reunion with love. Your child might greet you with a smile, or a withdrawn, angry, or rejecting look. All of these reactions are normal and a sign that your child loves you. Be ready to hug them, show your love, and listen to how their day went.

Ultimately, your child will do well in this separation and the ones that follow because of your love, understanding and recognition of your child’s needs (predictability, unconditional love and acceptance, a space to express feelings without judgment or someone trying to “fix” things) and your efforts to provide support. Likewise, it’s important to find ways to meet your own needs during the separation. You might talk with someone about your feelings about the transition, reflect on your own experiences with childcare and separating from your parents, or find support for looking back on your own childhood experiences (see sample resource listing at the end of this article).

Healing and Strengthening Attachments when Challenges Arise

Children need reliable, responsive care from a loving caregiver and a consistent goodbye routine in order to feel secure. This regularity helps your child — new to the world and learning what to expect — understand he/she is loved, will be cared for, and that you will come back. But what can you do if this transition doesn’t go ideally or you suspect that your attachment has been impacted?

Many factors can interrupt the formation of a strong, secure relationship between parent and child, including unforeseen events like divorce or death, premature birth, children’s unmet needs (i.e. predictability or unconditional acceptance), abandonment, abuse, and neglect.

When these or other factors affect a child’s developing attachment during this sensitive period from birth to age three, it’s important to know healing is possible. We are surrounded by community resources to support parents in strengthening attachments and treating attachment trauma (see sample resource listing below).

Local Resources

Bananas
bananasinc.org
510-568-0381 (Childcare Referral Hotline)
Childcare referral service for parents in Alameda County, free parent classes, resources and information for parents and childcare professionals

Hand in Hand Parenting
handinhandparenting.org
Parent classes and ongoing parent support groups on “Parenting through Connection” professional development workshops, parenting workshops on tantrums and difficult behavior, and support for healing from attachment trauma

Virginia Keeler-Wolf, MFT
Family Attachment & Adoption Center East Bay
1425 Leimert Blvd, Suite 302-A
Oakland CA 94602
510-339-9363 Fax: (510) 531-3394
attachadopt@aol.com
Attachment Therapist, specializing in attachment trauma and adoption

Lindsay Germain is an experienced nanny, doula, and preschool instructor. Her academic background focused on the psychology of environmental stewardship and early childhood education.

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