By Jenny Summerlin
When my first son was born I knew I would have more children. I couldn’t get enough of him. There were moments when I wished he were a twin, so that when I laid him down I could hold another baby. I was obsessed with him and loved him more than I ever thought imaginable. When he was 8 months old we found out we were expecting again. I was thrilled, but a little shocked it had happened so soon.
My second pregnancy flowed much the same as my first with a bit more morning sickness in the beginning. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t read much during this time since I felt like the two pregnancies were so close together, surely I remembered everything. My first labor was not perfect, but I knew I could give birth. Around 35 weeks I started experiencing severe pain that only got worse. On the day of my 37-week appointment I could barely walk. The doctor measured my uterus and said even though I was 37 weeks pregnant; I was measuring at 40 weeks. That didn’t surprise me, as my first baby was also large. He then examined me for a second time during the appointment, telling me he wanted to check something. It felt like he trying to pull the baby out right then and there! I even said, “Wow, that was invasive.” But he said nothing in return.
I went into labor that night at 1 AM. When I arrived at the hospital I was in shock – they were letting me stay. Was I really about to have this baby at 37 weeks? I gave birth at 10 AM. They immediately put him on my chest and it was incredible. After that it was downhill. They said he was cold and kept him across the room in a warmer where I could not see him for 45 minutes. Then they said he had low blood sugar and needed formula. When I asked to breastfeed again I was told that I couldn’t because I had “already tried.” When I told the nurse that I wanted to be the one to give him the bottle she said, “I would be more comfortable if I did it.” I told the nurse and my husband I was going over to the warmer to feed my son. I felt like a mother bear: growling and doing whatever I needed to in order to get to and care for my son. I got up and another nurse and my husband helped me to walk across the room; I had just had an epidural. The adrenaline was pumping so hard I didn’t know I couldn’t walk. I sat in the chair and fed him the bottle and tried not to cry. He was sleepy and didn’t want the bottle. I begged him to eat so he could come back to bed with me where he belonged. I was allowed to go back to bed to feed him and that’s when I noticed all of the blood on the floor and in the chair. I ignored it. I had my baby.
They took him for 3 hours to be in the transition nursery. On our way to the recovery room, without my son, I told my husband I had just gone from being a mom of two boys, to a mom of none. I needed my boys by my side, where they belonged. My husband and I spent the next 3 hours walking back and forth from our room to the nursery every 10 minutes. I cried the majority of the time he was gone. The next morning the doctor I had seen at my weekly visit came to check on me and asked when I went into labor. He said he wondered how long it would take and that he had “felt sorry” for me. It hit me like a ton of bricks; he had stripped my membranes. I didn’t know it at the time of the exam. I was anxious the rest of the hospital stay and couldn’t wait to leave. I just knew they were going to take him from me again.
The next two months are a blur to me. I don’t remember much. I have so many memories of my first son and 1500 pictures to prove it. With my second I remember his jaundice was really bad, I remember crying in the bathroom a lot, and I remember nursing him and staring into space. I don’t remember much about him. At my 6-week postpartum checkup I left Jared at home with my husband. The nurse and doctor were very surprised I didn’t bring him with me, but I was so detached from him that I couldn’t understand why I would bring him. I wondered from the beginning if I had postpartum depression, but never said anything. I figured I felt like this because I was a failure; I didn’t protect my son.
Then the breakdown came. I sat on the bathroom floor one morning when Jared was about 2 months old and just sobbed. I cried for myself, for my children who deserved a better mom than me, and for everything that shouldn’t have happened but did. I cried because I was crying. Here I had two healthy sons and I was walking around feeling sorry for myself. I knew I should feel happy. I felt awful that I didn’t love my second son the same way as I had loved my first. I told my husband I had to call the doctor; that something wasn’t right. I made an appointment with a different Ob/Gyn at the practice to talk about postpartum and they got me in right away. I explained my hospital experience to the doctor and he asked me about my personal life history. I explained: My dad raised me and my mom is an alcoholic and drug addict. He stopped me and said that the way I was feeling regarding my need to be so physically close to my children combined with the need to be a perfect mom were classic of the experience of the child of an alcoholic parent. This clicked for me. Of course I never wanted to leave my children and of course I felt like I didn’t protect my baby in the hospital; I was carrying abandonment issues from my 3-year-old self when my own mother left me.
Although things were better when I walked out of the office that day, it wasn’t until a year later that I was fully back to myself. I loved my son dearly, but still felt disconnected from him in a way that I never was with my first. My sister has two sons as well that are only 18 months apart, so she was a huge support for me that first year. I’ll never forget when she told me she had to work harder to create a relationship with her second because you just don’t have the time to devote like you do with your first. That was incredible for me to hear; I always felt like she had an amazing bond with her second son. It also made me realize I wasn’t alone.
It didn’t take me long to realize you can’t be quiet about PPD (postpartum depression). The quieter you are, the stronger it becomes: like a deep dark secret that festers and eats at you. By opening up, I found out a coworker who had a son a few weeks after me was also suffering from PPD. Just by stopping in the hallway and saying, “How are you today?” provided incredible mutual support. It was a reminder to both of us that PPD is something that exists, but it doesn’t have to consume you. We were able to hug each other and remind one another that it’s going to be okay.
I also found ways and times to be alone with Jared for bonding. I made myself read to him and hold him. Even though it felt forced at first, and that made me feel terrible, I knew I needed to do it to create a bond with him. I had to tell myself, “take pictures everyday” because I knew I would do so naturally with first son Isaac. I made sure that I was never quiet. On days when my husband was working and I was sad, I would call my parents and ask if we could hang out when I just didn’t think I should be alone. It’s important to recognize those times and be honest about them. Feeling sad doesn’t make you a bad mom; it makes you a woman with natural ups and downs. You have to be responsible and know that people love you, even if you don’t love yourself at the moment.
I think PPD is very difficult to understand because, as with any depression, you believe you are the only one affected. You enter a deep dark part of yourself and don’t see anyone else around you. I never realized the true impact of my depression on others until I heard my husband tell the birth stories of our two sons. I had been feeling like a failure because I knew my son didn’t need to be taken from me and I felt I hadn’t done my job as a mom to protect him. Meanwhile, my husband was dealing with his own failures. He saw me drowning and didn’t know what to do. He felt like a failure because he couldn’t do his job as my husband to protect our son or me.
The biggest lesson for me from my experience was to understand knowledge is power and prevention is key. We all need to be informed. I am sure that if we had a doula with us after Jared was born, the nurse would not have treated me that way. If I had known about low blood sugar, the causes and cures, I could have been a better advocate for my son. However, at some point, you have to let go of what you should have done, or what you think you should have known. We all do the best we can with the knowledge with which we are equipped. I did the best thing I could by reaching out once I realized I was not getting better on my own. And now that I have been through it, I understand how important it is to be proactive and preventative; so does my family.
When Isaac was 2 and Jared was a little over 1, we found out that we were expecting our third. We knew we had to do something different, but we didn’t know what. So we started reading. I’ve been reading every birthing and pregnancy book I can get my hands on. I’ve learned so much about PPD as well as birth in general. Once I learned that the chances of having PPD are higher if you’ve had it before, I immediately told my husband. We made the choice not to use birth control when we got married, and we revisit that decision often. I remember the day I said to him, “If I continue to have postpartum depression with each child, we cannot continue to have children. It’s not fair to our family.” The thought makes my heart ache because we love having children and can’t imagine that we could be finished already. So now, it’s time be preventative. It’s all in the little things- like adding a couple of pregnancy apps to my phone where I get a daily reminder of what is happening with my baby and my body. It keeps the pregnancy real and it helps me to see that something amazing and wonderful is happening. We have a doula who has encouraged me to continue to examine my past birth experience so that I can forgive myself, the doctor, and the nurse in order to truly move on. If the prevention isn’t enough, we know we have support. My husband knows that if he sees any signs, even if he’s not sure, he has to contact the doula immediately so she can step in to find out how I am doing. I know now that there are plenty of support groups out there for women with PPD. I can’t know right now if I will suffer from PPD again, but what I do know is that I have the support to make sure that I get help immediately.
This may be my third son, but because of all the research we’ve been doing and all the ways I’ve been preparing for the birth, I feel like it’s my first. I think my Dad said it best when he called me recently and said, “You know, I’ve never seen you so excited about giving birth.” And he’s right. I am excited. I know that I won’t be alone. I know that I am doing the best I can to be the best mom I can be. I am taking my experiences, forgiving myself, forgiving the doctor, forgiving the nurse, and moving on into this next blissful journey of becoming a mom of three boys!
Jenny Summerlin is a wife, mom of 3 boys, and a first grade teacher. Her husband teaches percussion and stays home during the day with their adventurous boys. Since submitting her story to BirthWays, Jenny had a wonderful experience giving birth to their third son at home. Baby Grayson was born on October 12th weighing 10 lbs 8 oz. See Grayson pictured below.
About Postpartum Mood Disorders. One in five women will experience a postpartum mood disorder (PPMD) following the birth of their baby. Men also experience postpartum mood disorders. In sharing her courageous story, Jenny illustrated a number of common themes, particularly: self-blame, feeling disconnected from ones baby, shame, and isolation. Fortunately, Jenny was able to find her way through PPMD by making use of her community of friends and family. Seeking help from a trained professional is an important step in reducing the duration and severity of PPMD for most women. Unfortunately, many women do not get the help they and their families deserve because their PPMD goes unrecognized and shame and misunderstanding cause them to suffer in silence. If you believe you may be suffering from a postpartum mood disorder, reach out for help.
The following resources may be helpful:
Baby Center - www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-depression-and-anxiety_227.bc
Postpartum Support International – www.postpartum.net
Perinatal Psychotherapy Services – www.perinatalpsychotherapy.com. Offering individual and couples therapy, New Moms’ Groups, and groups for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
Integrative Psychological Services - www.meghanlewisphd.com. Offering counseling and support for individuals, groups, and couples on the topics of preconception, pregnancy, postpartum, parenting, and much more. See website for a further description of services and contact info.
