by Sam Cook
It is a special moment when a child meets his or her new sibling. As parents, we are hopeful and grateful all at once for our children, and will invest a good amount of time helping them to refine and grow their relationship together. Preparing a child well before the birth, and including him or her in a significant way as you bring a new member into your family, are crucial steps in starting that relationship off positively. Many parents wait a few months to tell their child(ren) they are expecting a baby and others share the news right away.
The age of the child, your medical history, whether it is an adoption, and your own personal readiness to handle the inevitable questions are good ways of assessing when is right for you. Finding resources and books that speak to your family will help you navigate your child’s natural curiosity and enthusiasm. If your child shows no interest at all, don’t worry. That is also a common reaction – one that my own first son had about the impending arrival of his brother. You can help by including your child in some of the preparations, such as naming the baby and choosing clothing or nursery items. Preparing together nurtures the idea that this baby belongs to the whole family, and that each family member plays a crucial role in welcoming baby into the world.
The next question you need to consider is where your child will be during labor and birth by taking into account the temperament of the child and your own comfort level. If you choose to have your child present, whether at home or in a hospital, it is important that there is a dedicated person who will feed, entertain, and explain during labor. Call ahead if you are planning a hospital birth, as there may be age restrictions. Prepare your child with age-appropriate explanations, books, and videos of what they might see, hear and emotionally feel during the birth. Emulate the sounds and the positions of labor to make it visually and auditorily familiar. Birth can be intense, vulnerable, and unpredictable, but it is also intimate and life-changing. Only you know what would be best for your family. Whatever you decide, have a secondary plan for the unexpected and make sure that your child(ren) know what those plans are so they are not taken by surprise. Finally, a small token of affection from the new baby is well received by every new big brother or sister I have ever known, regardless of if they attend the birth or not!
My own experiences of having my children attend the birth of their siblings were very different. One of the first things I thought about when expecting my second son, Simon, was whether or not my first (age 2.2 at the time) would be present at the birth. We had planned a homebirth, and decided that since I was comfortable with the idea and that we had a neighbor who could take him to her house should he want to leave, Parker would stay with us in our home. We read some books and I coached him on what he might hear or see, though he remained as disinterested as he had been the entire pregnancy. In the end, Simon made his way into the world just after midnight, and Parker blissfully slept through the whole thing.
The experience of my third pregnancy was completely different. Parker and Simon, aged six and almost four at the time of Lucy’s birth, were involved from the beginning. They came and participated in many appointments with my midwives, they watched the ultrasound screen with fascination as we saw our first glimpse of her, and they were adamant about attending her birth. We prepared them in much the same way, and Lucy came into the world on a January evening filled with family. My sister-in-law and her wife entertained the boys and brought them in every hour or so to say hello or help rub my back or feet, my Nona (grandmother) and mother arrived and helped in any way they could, and my sister stayed with me until the moment my midwife guided her hands to catch Lucy and put her in my arms. Each brother was given the opportunity of a special assignment, which they embraced: Simon counted her fingers and toes, and Parker helped my husband cut the umbilical cord. They were most pleased, though, that we decided to go with the name they had chosen for her: “Lucy,” after their favorite Beatles song. For us, having our children present was amazing, and they have continued to care for and love her in the same inclusive way we began this journey – as a family.
In the end, preparing your child for a sibling is a magical time of reinvention and validation, of strengthening the existing relationships and making space for new ones. Paying attention to your child’s cues about what he/she needs and including them in the process is the foundation for creating a positive beginning to a new path for your family.
Here are a few favorite books:
- Oonga Boonga by Frieda Wishinsky
- Will There Be a lap for Me? by Dorothy Corey and Nancy Poydar
- Grover Takes Care of Baby by Emily Thompson and Tom Cooke
- Baby on the Way and What Baby Needs by William and Martha Sears
- I’m a Big Brother/Sister by Joanna Cole
- We Have a Baby by Cathryn Falwell
- Hello Baby by Jenni Overend
- I Watched My Brother Being Born by Anne and Katarina Vondruska (Book and DVD)
